douglaskoke.com - lists

Just Some Of My Many Indignities

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 07:50:17 UTC

Humiliations that yet linger...

That one time I cut off my eyelashes because some jerk at my Dad's company party said I looked like a girl.

That one time I thought I could hold it from the playground until I got home. (Turns out I couldn't.)

That one time I tried to cook for my Mom and my sister, and made ABC's & 123's and pigs in a blanket... then ate too much too fast, and puked individual numbers and letters.

That one time I punched Mark Vigil as hard as I could and he laughed himself into tears.

That one time my Mom finally let me buy my own clothes, and I purchased what I thought were the coolest shorts in the whole world, realizing only after I had worn them to school that they were actually a pair of men's old-timey boxers. (The pattern of chickens in sunglasses should have been a giveaway)

That one time I had the flu, and Pepsi, Linguini and snot came out of my nose when I was on a Valentine's date.

That one time my Mom came home early.

That one time her Mom came home early.

That one time I had to pretend to spill Kool Aid in my lap after furiously dry humping on the couch, and then stood up, with the "kickstand down" and had to explain that I *really*, *really* liked grape. (Related: That one morning I answered the door half-asleep in sweat-pants and inadvertently "pointed" at the UPS driver.)

That one time my girlfriend and I had to babysit her 13-yr-old sister, who promptly turned on the Television to discover my roommate's subscription to the Playboy channel playing an especially action-packed scene at full volume.

That one time I was escorted to the back door, deposited on the porch and locked out of the house after nearly making a stripper cry at a friend's bachelor party. (Apparently: "You can be so much more than this" is not an appropriate thing to drukenly slur to a topless woman offering tequilla shots from her belly button.)

That one time the truck driver pulled up next to my Jetta and discovered that although only one occupant was sitting up, there were in fact two people in the car, one of whom apparently had lost something important on the driver's side floorboard.

That one time I was in a band, and thought I was really going to "rock out" at a show, jumped around, and the strap from my bass popped off, sending us both to the floor like a sack of potatos.

That one time I attempted to hit on a woman at a bar, and she asked if she could set me up with one of her handsome guy friends.

That one time I had way too much to drink at the bar, went into a bathroom stall, and decided to take a nap there for about 20 minutes.

That one time I spent the night for the first time at a girlfriend's house, and during the middle of a particularly intimate act, I turned to see her cat enthusiatically peeing on all of my clothes.

That one time I lost track of my open IM conversations and unknowingly messaged my boss instead of the coworker I was ruthlessly bad-mouthing him to. Then had to invent some sentence that would logically come after, "Oh my God, what an asshole".

20 Little-Known (And Entirely Untrue) "Facts" About Me

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 08:10:18 UTC

1.) I played the role of Bruno Kirby's moustache in "When Harry Met Sally"

2.) In 1965, I first introduced America to Alka-Seltzer, which was then marketed as the
world's most efficient Canary explosive.

3.) As young vaudevillian I formed a Mexican wrestling tag-team with Zeppo Marx.

4.) On a drunken dare, I invent the Missionary Position.

5.) As an artist at Warner Brothers, I create the beloved "Bugs Bunny" character, however in a much darker, more disturbing incarnation. In early prototypes, Bugs is foul-mouthed, hard-drinking racist, who exposes himself to children and blinds a pony with a claw-hammer. Also, he is a lobster. Named "Lou".

6.) 1979 - in an effort to raise public consciousness about the plight of the homeless, I am the first child ever to go trick-or-treating as a hobo.

7.) Shunned by literary academics not ready to hear the truth, I unearth irrefutable evidence that Bigfoot is in fact reclusive author J.D. Salinger.

8.) In the guise of Satan, I come to a nubile, impressionable Elizabeth Shue and offer her untold fame and fortune. But for this, she must forever bear the mark of "that chick who boned Ralph Macchio".

9.) With the help of notable audio pioneer, and inventor of the electric guitar, Les Paul, I devise a way to make formidable musicians record really shitty albums. This is why John Mayer records suck ball sweat.

10.) For nearly 15 years, I secretly live a double-life as Andy Kaufman's alter ego, Dwight D. Eisenhower.

11.) Wings on planes? My idea.

12.) As the duly elected Representative in the 111th Congress, I introduce a bill decreeing that Greeley, Colorado be added to those nations in the "axis of evil", despite that the fact that is neither a nation, nor a real place.

13.) I win 7 prime-time Emmy nominations for my spot-on portrayal of the mentally-challenged, yet sexually-voracious, Corky on "Life Goes On".

14.) 1983 -- I am awarded the prestigious Nobel prize in the science category, for my shocking and controversial study revealing that all men-- regardless of race, orientation, or economic background -- really, really like blowjobs.

15.) As an intrepid toy-maker, I crafted the very first "Barbie" doll. Though at the time, the doll was far more rotund, as it was modeled after portly character actor Brian Dennehy,

16.) I leave a Hawaiian leper colony in utter revulsion when the classic "pull my finger" joke results in severing a man's arm at the shoulder.

17.) After toiling hours and hours in my underground cybernetics lab, I reach the pinnacle of bionic research, hand-wiring the shiny metal innards that allow Clay Aiken to enslave the planet as the galaxy's most fearsome robot queen. Bow before your steely gay master!

18.) June 17th, 1972 -- I give Richard Millhouse Nixon a tape recorder for his birthday, and tell him to hide it beneath the fake lagoon in the Oval Office. In retrospect, a really bad move.

19.) In a dingy office in Elstree England, I am turned down for the role of Obi Wan Kenobi in George Lucas' "Star Wars" after refusing to wear pants in the audition, and insisting that the character should be patterned on a shrill, curmudgeonly Korean grocer.

20.) As a boom-mic operator, I watch helplessly as a drug-addled Oscar The Grouch, strung-out and hateful of children, spontaneously erupts into a fit of violent on-camera masturbation.

Useful Facebook Additions

Sun, 1 Mar 2009 08:38:19 UTC

Useful Buttons Facebook Should Consider Including On Their Interface:

Add Estranged Ex-Girlfriend To List Of Stalking Victims

Add Mildly Tolerable Coworker Who Has Super-Hot Friends I Want To Hook Up With

Submit To Stilted, Disengenuine Overture From Boss Trying To Be "Hip"

Endear Yourself To Shitty Relative You Suspect Might Be Wealthy And Elderly And/Or In Poor Health

Shamefully Face That Girl You Prematurely Ejaculated With In High School

Add Fellow Misanthrope For Mutual Neglect

Force Former Rival To Look At Picture Of New Trophy Wife-- Yeah, That's Right Pal, I'm HITTIN' THAT SHIT

Insinuate Yourself Into Mortal Enemy's Life So You Can Architect Their Utter Destruction

Begrudgingly Accept Distant, Perfunctory Acquaintance Who I Really Didn't Think Would Give A Shit, But Didn't Want To Offend

Take On Yet One More Online Relationship So You Can Avoid Risking Real Live Intimacy With Another Adult, You Fucking Coward

Take Me Back! I'll Change! Things Will Be Different This Time!

Bludgeon These Hopeless Losers With Unbearably Arrogant Tales Of My Incomprehensible Personal Success

Sorry, But You Are ... ????

Rejected Titles For "There Will Be Blood"

Mon, 12 May 2008 02:53:12 UTC

The following are rejected names for the Daniel Day Lewis film, "There Will Be Blood".

There Will Be....

An Intermission

A Slight Pinch And Some Minor Discomfort

None Of That, Mister!

A Short Wait While We Transfer You To An Available Representative

Some Explaining To Do

30% Off In All Departments

No Television If You Keep This Up

Refreshments Afterwards

Consequences

An End To This

Porn For The Severely Depressed

Mon, 12 May 2008 02:38:36 UTC

Debbie Does An Entire American City, With No Apparent Standards, Yet Won't Come Near Your Ugly Ass

Do Me Doggie Style -- So I Don't Have To Look At You

Wild Asian MILFs Who Don't Even Bother Taking Their Shirt Off, Because, Let's Be Honest, This Isn't Going To Take A Whole Lot Of Time From Their Day

Girls Who Like Girls And Hate You

Naughty Housewives.. Are Giving It Up To Their Husbands... Because They're Married... And In Love... And You're Single... Loser

Hot Naked People Who's Lives Are Better Than Yours

Radio Morning Show Host Credentials

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 01:32:52 UTC

Since the bulk of our business comes from streaming radio stations on the Interweb, as part of my job, I have to listen to a plethora of shitty Morning Shows. You know the kind-- "The Morning Zoo with Smarmy and Douche-Nozzle", "Gonzo In The Morning with Yelly and Screamy", etc, etc. Basically, a sonic parade of endless hacky comedians and coked-out former child actors, making horrible prank calls and re-hashing fat jokes about Rosie O'Donnel. Just awful.

Anyway, here is what I've surmised to be a list of base qualifications one needs to meet in order to perform as a morning radio DJ:

A functioning larynyx.
Ideally, one that makes you talk like Fred from the Scooby Doo cartoons.

The ability to read the time off a giant digital clock.

Ownership of a slide-whistle, cow-bell, or old-timey bicycle horn.

A free sweatshirt you can periodically look down at to remind you of the station's call letters.

Enough cognitive horsepower to memorize a minimum of three Adam Sandler jokes.

A failed sit-com. Preferably on basic cable. (optional)

Status as a "regular" in at least one Hooters location.

The neural capacity to grasp automobile traffic, as a concept. For instance, it seems there's more of it in the morning.

Ability to recognize basic shapes and forms... like... your producer's boobs, or a microphone, or, your producer's boobs.

Seeing a movie on the weekend. Or something on television. Talking about it.

Deafness, or an analogous mental condition which grants you immunity to algebraic, incalcuable repetitions of Guns N' Roses, "Welcome To The Jungle".

At least one friend who can operate a telephone and can speak like Speedy Gonzolaes, a lispy gay man, or Arnold Schwarzenegger. (All three in the bag is the sign of a true professional.)

An uncanny knack for somehow punctuating each and every news item with a wisecrack about Paris Hilton's cavernous vag.

Access to a window: weather reports.

Inaapropriate Names For A Horse

Wed, 13 Feb 2008 00:47:45 UTC

My friend Tony at work just bought a baby horse for his little girls.
Being the thoughtful co-worker that I am, I put together this list of potential names for his new mare:

Bitey

Stampy

Crushy

Christopher Reeves

Substitutions For "Dancing With Stars" That I Can More Easily Identify With

Tue, 6 Nov 2007 03:34:35 UTC

Napping With The Stars

Smoking With The Stars

Repairing My Credit Report With The Stars

Apartment Shopping With The Stars

Drinking With The Stars

Playing Guitar Hero III When I Should Be Working With The Stars

Making Regrettable, Insensitive Jokes With The Stars

Admitting I Have A Problem Making Romantic Commitments With The Stars

Fairy Tale Endings That Just Don't Have The Ring Of "And They Lived Happily Ever After"

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 01:24:34 UTC

And their sex-life withered in a connubial wasteland.

And they embitteringly resigned to ignore each other.

And they desperately saught to resuscitate their nuptial corpse with a drunken impregnation.

And they communicated by leaving passive-aggressive notes on the refrigerator.

And the silences multiplied like a cancerous bloom of stifled regret.

And their pill-popping numbed the methodical decay of their dreams.

And for the sake of the kids, they barely tolerated their matrimonial sham.

And their seething contempt periodically boiled over with inappropriate outbursts in crowded restaraunts and family gatherings, causing excrutiating social discomfort for friends and strangers alike.

And they screamed obscenities over the deafening roar of their future's vacuuous collapse.

And their crippling dysfunction finally alientated their troubled, lesbian daughter.

Songs Whose Bad-Ass-Ness Is Undiminished By Their Use In Cheesy TV Commercials

Wed, 8 Aug 2007 02:13:10 UTC

Just cuz' they were co-opted by The Man to sell toilet paper, cell phones and laundry detergent, it doesn't make 'em any less amazing:

"Gravity Rides Everything" -- Modest Mouse
"Cold Hands, Warm Heart"-- Brian Benson
"Getting Better" -- The Beatles, via Gomez
"Walk On The Wild Side" -- Lou Reed
"Disseminated" -- Soul Coughing
"Bittersweet Symphony" -- The Verve
"Monkey Man" -- The Specials
"Song #2" -- Blur
"Picture Book" -- The Kinks
"Flathead"-- The Fratellis
"Our House", "Driving In My Car", "It Must Be Love" -- Madness
"We've Been Had" -- The Walkmen
"Don't Wait Too Long" -- Madeleine Peyroux
"Mr. Blue Skies" -- Electric Light Orchestra
"Just What I Needed" -- The Cars
"Surrender" -- Cheap Trick
"Happy Jack" -- The Who
"At The Hop" -- Devandra Bernhardt
"Pink Moon" -- Nick Drake
"Personality Crisis" -- The New York Dolls

The list goes on and on...

The use of "Disseminated" is probably my favorite, just for the irony of it. It was placed in a commercial for a Ford model in Europe called the "Transit". The lyric that most likely drew them to the song mentions the manufacturer, but it's not neccessarily very flattering to their product:
"The goat chewed up, once a tin can.
The goat shat out, was a Ford Sedan".
Nice work, Ford marketing team.