douglaskoke.com

Racism.

Braces.

Acne.

Weight Gain.

An Older Guy With A Car.

An Older Guy With A Car, Who Liked To Hit Women.

Stupidity.

Beer.

My Band.

Selfishness, England.

Stupidity, Kansas.

Sex While Sober.

Unemployment.

House Pets, Allergies, Domineeringness.

An Older Guy With A Really Expensive Car.

Bat-Shit Crazy.

Captain Morgan.

Hillary Clinton.

Do not, under any circumstances, hand out the follwing items to the kiddies this Halloween:

Spoonfulls of Mayonaisse.
Bricks.
Eggs Benedict.
Dental Dams.
Car Batteries.
Brass Knuckles.
Girly Magazines.
Live Mice.
Rave Flyers.
Kool Menthols.
Stock Tips.
Broken Legos  (Fun-Sized: perfect for tiny windpipes!)
Poached Salmon.
Stem Cells.
Smoked Gouda.
Jagaermeister.
Mark Foley's IM Address.

My boss, Drew, sent me these yesterday from the Interweb-- hilarious:

+ + + + +

When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now simply The Islands.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.

Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Chuck Norris has no hair on his testicles; hair doesn't grow on steel.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now."

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Chuck Norris will not take shit from anyone.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

Chuck Norris' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass."

Rainwater reclamation.

Dual pet-food dispensers.

Convenient caddy for large piles of  Bolivian Marching Powder.

Matching urns to contain the ashes of her father's music career,
as well as the scant remains of long-time friend Paris Hilton's dignity.

A candy dish for visiting nieces and nephews.

Lindsay Lohan.

Sea monkeys.

Kearney, Nebraska.

Give you up.

Let you down.

Run around.

Desert you.

Feel you up at a wedding reception.

Riding escalator, and letting go of handrail.

Burning illegal copy of Justin Timberlake's "Sexyback" for girlfriend.

Jumping on a trampoline, a lot.

World's longest filibuster.

Reading the ingredients list on the "McRib".

Getting released from Guantanamo prison.

Coaching the Detroit Lions.

Implementing successful regime change in Middle East.

Playing the title role in the Commerce City Community Theatre's production of
Waiting For Godot.

Making eye contact with street people.

Negotiating price reduction with 7-11 clerk for oldest roller Tacquito.

World's longest air-guitar solo.

Drinking tap water in Mexico.

Living in a Ficus plant, for a really long time.

Eating waffles, a lot.

Politely conversing with doorstep Mormon missionaries.

Wild Turkey and waiting out a hailstorm in the double-wide.

Red wine and struggling with bitter depression.

Beer and throwing punches at the sports arena.

Protein shakes and feeling the burn.

Malt-liquor and flirting with relatives at the swap-meet.

Cocaine and hunching over a public toilet.

Mountain Dew and avoiding natural sunlight.

Acceptable:

Ask me about the C-Section

More of a boob man, thanks.

I left my heart at Legoland

Don't let Ryan Seacrest touch me.

Stop the war. Before I finish High School. Seriously.

Katie Holmes's other imaginary baby.

Unacceptable

Property of Child and Family Services

Thank goodness those stairs were carpeted!

Daddy didn't want me.

Slap me if you love Jesus.

I'm with (arrow) the MILF.

Ask me about my extra digit.

Grandma is drunk.

Some of the bands and musical projects I've hatched over the years:

JFKFC -- punk band

ShmorgusBorgnine -- an all-medly cover band, performing hits of the '70s and '80s, as if sung by portly character actor, Ernest Borgnine. (Kind of a narrow demographic.)

Doug Against The Machine -- rough!

Sirhan Duran -- ooooh, political.

The Notorious D.U.G. -- hip hop.

Adios Pantalones!-- Tejano.

ZZ Bottom-- all-gay Texas rock.

Alcoholicaust-- lyrics bravely tackling 2 important social issues.

The Nazarites and/or X Communication-- Christian rock.

Bjorn Again-- Abba tribute band.

Ancient Chinese Penis -- all guzheng, all nude, all the time.

Abbra Cadaver-- high-concept: death-metal magicians.