Just Some Of My Many Indignities
April 16, 2009
Humiliations that yet linger...
That one time I cut off my eyelashes because some jerk at my Dad's company party said I looked like a girl.
That one time I thought I could hold it from the playground until I got home. (Turns out I couldn't.)
That one time I tried to cook for my Mom and my sister, and made ABC's & 123's and pigs in a blanket... then ate too much too fast, and puked individual numbers and letters.
That one time I punched Mark Vigil as hard as I could and he laughed himself into tears.
That one time my Mom finally let me buy my own clothes, and I purchased what I thought were the coolest shorts in the whole world, realizing only after I had worn them to school that they were actually a pair of men's old-timey boxers. (The pattern of chickens in sunglasses should have been a giveaway)
That one time I had the flu, and Pepsi, Linguini and snot came out of my nose when I was on a Valentine's date.
That one time my Mom came home early.
That one time her Mom came home early.
That one time I had to pretend to spill Kool Aid in my lap after furiously dry humping on the couch, and then stood up, with the "kickstand down" and had to explain that I *really*, *really* liked grape. (Related: That one morning I answered the door half-asleep in sweat-pants and inadvertently "pointed" at the UPS driver.)
That one time my girlfriend and I had to babysit her 13-yr-old sister, who promptly turned on the Television to discover my roommate's subscription to the Playboy channel playing an especially action-packed scene at full volume.
That one time I was escorted to the back door, deposited on the porch and locked out of the house after nearly making a stripper cry at a friend's bachelor party. (Apparently: "You can be so much more than this" is not an appropriate thing to drukenly slur to a topless woman offering tequilla shots from her belly button.)
That one time the truck driver pulled up next to my Jetta and discovered that although only one occupant was sitting up, there were in fact two people in the car, one of whom apparently had lost something important on the driver's side floorboard.
That one time I was in a band, and thought I was really going to "rock out" at a show, jumped around, and the strap from my bass popped off, sending us both to the floor like a sack of potatos.
That one time I attempted to hit on a woman at a bar, and she asked if she could set me up with one of her handsome guy friends.
That one time I had way too much to drink at the bar, went into a bathroom stall, and decided to take a nap there for about 20 minutes.
That one time I spent the night for the first time at a girlfriend's house, and during the middle of a particularly intimate act, I turned to see her cat enthusiatically peeing on all of my clothes.
That one time I lost track of my open IM conversations and unknowingly messaged my boss instead of the coworker I was ruthlessly bad-mouthing him to. Then had to invent some sentence that would logically come after, "Oh my God, what an asshole".
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