20 Little-Known (And Entirely Untrue) "Facts" About Me
March 31, 2009
1.) I played the role of Bruno Kirby's moustache in "When Harry Met Sally"
2.) In 1965, I first introduced America to Alka-Seltzer, which was then marketed as the
world's most efficient Canary explosive.
3.) As young vaudevillian I formed a Mexican wrestling tag-team with Zeppo Marx.
4.) On a drunken dare, I invent the Missionary Position.
5.) As an artist at Warner Brothers, I create the beloved "Bugs Bunny"
character, however in a much darker, more disturbing incarnation. In
early prototypes, Bugs is foul-mouthed, hard-drinking racist, who
exposes himself to children and blinds a pony with a claw-hammer. Also,
he is a lobster. Named "Lou".
6.) 1979 - in an effort to raise public consciousness about the plight
of the homeless, I am the first child ever to go trick-or-treating as a
hobo.
7.) Shunned by literary academics not ready to hear the truth, I
unearth irrefutable evidence that Bigfoot is in fact reclusive author
J.D. Salinger.
8.) In the guise of Satan, I come to a nubile, impressionable Elizabeth
Shue and offer her untold fame and fortune. But for this, she must
forever bear the mark of "that chick who boned Ralph Macchio".
9.) With the help of notable audio pioneer, and inventor of the
electric guitar, Les Paul, I devise a way to make formidable musicians
record really shitty albums. This is why John Mayer records suck ball
sweat.
10.) For nearly 15 years, I secretly live a double-life as Andy Kaufman's alter ego, Dwight D. Eisenhower.
11.) Wings on planes? My idea.
12.) As the duly elected Representative in the 111th Congress, I
introduce a bill decreeing that Greeley, Colorado be added to those
nations in the "axis of evil", despite that the fact that is neither a
nation, nor a real place.
13.) I win 7 prime-time Emmy nominations for my spot-on portrayal of
the mentally-challenged, yet sexually-voracious, Corky on "Life Goes
On".
14.) 1983 -- I am awarded the prestigious Nobel prize in the science
category, for my shocking and controversial study revealing that all
men-- regardless of race, orientation, or economic background --
really, really like blowjobs.
15.) As an intrepid toy-maker, I crafted the very first "Barbie" doll.
Though at the time, the doll was far more rotund, as it was modeled
after portly character actor Brian Dennehy,
16.) I leave a Hawaiian leper colony in utter revulsion when the
classic "pull my finger" joke results in severing a man's arm at the
shoulder.
17.) After toiling hours and hours in my underground cybernetics lab, I
reach the pinnacle of bionic research, hand-wiring the shiny metal
innards that allow Clay Aiken to enslave the planet as the galaxy's
most fearsome robot queen. Bow before your steely gay master!
18.) June 17th, 1972 -- I give Richard Millhouse Nixon a tape recorder
for his birthday, and tell him to hide it beneath the fake lagoon in
the Oval Office. In retrospect, a really bad move.
19.) In a dingy office in Elstree England, I am turned down for the
role of Obi Wan Kenobi in George Lucas' "Star Wars" after refusing to
wear pants in the audition, and insisting that the character should be
patterned on a shrill, curmudgeonly Korean grocer.
20.) As a boom-mic operator, I watch helplessly as a drug-addled Oscar
The Grouch, strung-out and hateful of children, spontaneously erupts
into a fit of violent on-camera masturbation.
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