douglaskoke.com

Since the bulk of our business comes from streaming radio stations on the Interweb, as part of my job, I have to listen to a plethora of shitty Morning Shows. You know the kind-- "The Morning Zoo with Smarmy and Douche-Nozzle", "Gonzo In The Morning with Yelly and Screamy", etc, etc. Basically, a sonic parade of endless hacky comedians and coked-out former child actors, making horrible prank calls and re-hashing fat jokes about Rosie O'Donnel. Just awful.

 

Anyway, here is what I've surmised to be a list of base qualifications one needs to meet in order to perform as a morning radio DJ:

A functioning larynyx.
Ideally, one that makes you talk like Fred from the Scooby Doo cartoons.

 

The ability to read the time off a giant digital clock.

 

Ownership of a slide-whistle, cow-bell, or old-timey bicycle horn.

 

A free sweatshirt you can periodically look down at to remind you of the station's call letters.

 

Enough cognitive horsepower to memorize a minimum of three Adam Sandler jokes.

 

A failed sit-com. Preferably on basic cable. (optional)

 

Status as a "regular" in at least one Hooters location.

The neural capacity to grasp automobile traffic, as a concept. For instance, it seems there's more of it in the morning.

Ability to recognize basic shapes and forms...  like... your producer's boobs, or a microphone, or, your producer's boobs.

 

Seeing a movie on the weekend. Or something on television. Talking about it.

 

Deafness, or an analogous mental condition which grants you immunity to algebraic, incalcuable repetitions of  Guns N' Roses, "Welcome To The Jungle".  

 

At least one friend who can operate a telephone and can speak like Speedy Gonzolaes, a lispy gay man, or Arnold Schwarzenegger. (All three in the bag is the sign of a true professional.)

 

An uncanny knack for somehow punctuating each and every news item with a wisecrack about Paris Hilton's cavernous vag.

 

Access to a window:  weather reports.

 

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