Maui Trip-- Highs and Lows
August 23, 2007
Trip Highlights:
1.) ATV'ing-- turns out that hauling ass through the Hawaiian jungle in a Yamaha Rhino is pretty sweet. We got to tear around a very nice Hawaiian Ohana's (family) farm, and were treated to fresh apple-bananas, sugar cane and the best pineapple I've ever had in my life. It was totally worth 4 days of blowing out red snot, and the 3 times I had to run my clothes through the washing machine afterwards.
2.) Helicopter Tour- Dumbfoundingly gorgeous. Like a 45-minute reel of all the beauty shots in "LOST" and "Jurassic Park".
3.) Snorkeling with 4' Sea Turtles in Napili Bay. Awesome.
4.) Nathan, the speech-impaired singer/guitarist on our sunset cruise. I believe he was missing his front teeth, and had an incredibly thick Hawaiian accent, so every Western-rock-song lyric was an adventure in phonics. Jimmy Buffet was "Way-stead a waay in Mawg-ah-wweeta-Bill" and Eric Clapton bemoaned, "Bayla. Doo got ba on ba dees. Bayla. Daw-lin bon't doo eeze mah twubbled mind." So fun.
5.) Dolphins! I was reduced to a pointing, jumping, shrieking 9-year-old kid. "Look! Look! Look! Yay!"
6.) Parasailing-- surprisingly peaceful and serene.
7.) Smoked marlin and Lava-Flows. Delicious combo.
8.) Moloka'i. Complete, total, unfettered beauty. Too bad the residents aren't real big fans of white people. But who can blame them?-- we turned one of the neighboring islands into an uninhabitable bombing range. We kinda suck.
9.) The Seahouse restaurant in Napili Bay. Banana pancakes with whipped cream made from guava, papaya and pineapple. Fat-tastic. The Moco Loco was awesome too.
10.) The drive from Kapalua to Honokohau. Most of the road is one-lane, and has a bazillion hair-pin turns overlooking sea-cliffs, but the view was worth it and then some. Also, I got to bottom-out a crappy Chevy Cobalt, which was a good time.
11.) The water. The Pacific goes from otherwordly deep, pthalo blue, to turquoise, to crystal clear and generally hovers around 74 degrees. I came home prune-y and covered in salt almost every day. I loved it.
Low-Points:
1.) LAX-- Los Angeles boasts what is easily the most grimy, nasty, ghetto-ass airport in America. It is truly the bed-pan of the US aviation industry. And I've been to Newark. LAX, you suck.
2.) The bawling, shrieking, shrill little hell-spawn wailing from the seat behind me all the way from LA to Kahului. You screamed for five hours straight, and you gave me the flu. I know you're only 9-months old, but you're an asshole. Seriously. You're a shitty baby. And you have shitty parents. Screw you for getting me sick.
3.) Having the flu in Hawaii. Trying to fight off a wet, hacking cough, chills, body-aches, and a fever of 104 degrees is bad enough. Trying to do so in the tropics, while staring down the barrel of a multi-thousand dollar vacation bill is just icing on the cake. Throw in a mild dose of heat-stroke and a wicked sunburn too? Why not.
How about adding an otherwise sweet, and understanding girlfriend now vaguely irritated by a decided lack of vacation sex? Super! Perfect. Great. Once again, screw you, shitty baby from Los Angeles. You suck.
In all seriousness, it was an amazing experience, one that I'm really grateful for. I'm the kid of single-Mom school teacher, and I spent 10 years in a band, so to be able to take a trip that didn't involve a 12-passenger van and four smelly dudes living off beef-jerky and Gatorade was a pretty big deal to me. It's definitely something I'll always cherish, and hope to repeat as often as possible... minus the the whiny-ass, screaming, flu-ridden, shitty devil baby. =)
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